Keep Your Pandering Lips off My Cheese Grits

Dear Mitt Romney,

Cheesy grits“? 

Really? If this is your strategy to win over the South you’ve just had your John-Kerry-in-a-hunting-outfit moment. You’re not fooling anyone. I know you are fond of the exact height of trees in Michigan and all that (I mean, who doesn’t pitch a tent at the sight of a 2,133.6 cm spruce? Hel-lo!)

Down here in the South, our problems include high rates (compared to the rest of the country) of poverty, homelessness, illiteracy, teen pregnancy, divorce, diabetes, heart disease and unemployment (and that’s just the Baptists). Maybe you’ll address your solutions to those issues at some point in the near future.

Meanwhile, as one born and raised in the South, I have to say I find it mildly insulting that you’d open a campaign stop with “Morning, y’all. I got started right this morning with a biscuit and some cheesy grits.”

Okay, I admit, we do say “y’all” (actually, I opt for “you all”). Still, if you don’t say it habitually, don’t say it to us. That’s pandering, and I know you wouldn’t want to do that.

Also, who eats both a biscuit AND grits? First of all, as Primo would say, that’s two starches. Second, the former is more endemic in the Upper South (say, Kentucky), while the latter is more common in the Deep South (i.e., Mississippi, where you were speaking). Sure, there’s some overlap, but really, if you have access to a nice cat-head biscuit, what need is there of chasing it with a bowl of boiled carbs? 

Finally (and I am getting to the point), it’s CHEESE GRITS. Not “cheesy grits.” Good God, man, who does your research? Nobody in the South eats cheesy grits. A least you didn’t make the mistake of saying that a single particle of grits is “a grit.” That does make a certain amount of sense, but it’s not true. There no such thing as a grit, and there’s no such thing as “cheesy” grits.

I’m thinking of running for president next time so I can make a campaign stop in Utah to stay, “Good morning, everyone! I got started right this morning by banging my three wives, chugging a Sprite, and jumping into my magic underwear. Shalom!”

[Originally posted on Facebook.]

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